23 March 2014

Two Years

For two years, this blog has been dormant, while Life went on. There was plenty to write about during those two years, and I was too lazy to do the writing.

Writing. The thoughts in my head clamor to be written. The act of writing calls to me. My patience doesn't allow for much *actual* pen-and-paper writing, when typing is so much quicker. And that same (im)patience doesn't want to waste time staring at a screen for hours on end. Unless it's my phone screen, go figure.

In the past two years, my mama began writing a blog, too. Her blog is powerful and moving. It's her story, a heartbreaking journey that others need to read. More than that, she needs to tell that story. Life stories often come out in bits and pieces, and can be confusing or overwhelming when we try to corrale them into a cohesive project, such as a book. Blogging seemed to be the perfect outlet, so I helped her set it up. And she did with her what I did with this one - abandoned it for a while (I am my mother's daughter in so many ways). Recently, a major upheaval in her life has compelled her to once again blog. Reading through her blog (in addition to making me cry) inspired me to once again try posting on my own blog.

Thanks, Mama.

The past two years have done nothing to ease my anxiety about putting my thoughts in writing. I've had my words used against me in legal documents. I've been spied on, had my privacy invaded to such a degree that I'm nervous about writing that which most strongly needs to be written. There is a lot I would like to write about my marriage. My conundrum is this: should I write, in a blog, those thoughts that I refuse to express to my husband? It's a near-certainty that he will look for, and find, a blog (this blog) written by me, and will take every word to heart, as if it were the absolute gospel truth of what I think and feel. When it has been put into writing, that solidifies the thought into fact, and indicates that there is absolutely no other viewpoint co-existing with the written one. At least, that is how I feel he views my writing.

There are too many thoughts and ideas, often contradictory, that whiz and whirl through my mind, that I couldn't ever get them all down. My thoughts about my husband aren't all negative. The thoughts aren't all positive, either.

In the past two years, the scale of positive and negative has shifted in both directions. The assumption might be that I'd want positivity to outweigh the negative. I think that doesn't really work for me. I really do need the balance. I need the lows to help me really enjoy the highs.


It's amazing how quickly two years can pass!